Dealing With a Loss

October 14, 2013

I am now 25 years old and I know that some people at my age have lost a friend or two in some tragic way. In that sense I guess I have been fairly lucky. However, September 1 that all unfortunately had to come to an end.

It was a weekend that I had been looking forward to all week (I mean I always look forward to the weekends), but this one was just supposed to be a more relaxed on and a little futsol on Sunday. Sunday morning I made my way to Sangju, had lunch and coffee with Beth. I noticed a couple people had changed their profile picture to one of my friends that just recently moved to Poland to be with her boyfriend. Now I assumed she was engaged or something, I never in a million years assumed the worst. As Beth went to the bathroom I got on facebook again and this is when I saw the single little note saying 'RIP Kelly'. I think at this moment my heart completely stopped, and I know I wasn't able to breathe for a little while. I felt like I was in some kind of movie, wherever I was, sure wasn't real life.

At that point I got ahold of one of our mutual friends and she told me the terrible news. Kell had been killed in a motorcycle accident the afternoon of August 31.

I'll admit Korea is about the last place I wanted to be at that very moment and I know I looked for a flight home. But, a flight home wasn't going to change anything. I ended up taking my first sick day in Korea on the following Monday. I skyped with a few friends that I had lost touch with over the years and we all compared our stories as well and shared stories about Kelly.

I feel like everyone says this about their friend or family member but, Kelly really was a person that lived her life to the fullest. She was always so happy, laughing, smiling, and dancing around. It was hard to not at least smile when you were around her.

I've never been one that has handled a loss well (not sure anyone really does though). I tend to go quiet and isolate myself, and being in Korea I did tend to make myself miserable this past month or so. I think there are days I'm still in denial. I'm still waiting for that little message from her to sit and tell me how awesome Poland is again or continue our talk about traveling Europe when I leave Korea.

I think dealing with a death at home while in Korea is hard. You don't have those people that know you or the person that you lost. You don't have the chance to sit and share stories and laugh about old times, which can make it more difficult. I've decided though it's time for me to stop making myself miserable. I have 5 months left in this country and Kelly would be beyond pissed at me if I sat around being upset because of her. I need to get my focus back on track. I've reconnected with some of my friends again and as much as I hate the reason why we started speaking again I'm thankful they have come back into my life at this point. It's just helped me to realize how much I have going for myself, how great of a person/friend Kelly was, and that we all really do need to make the most of our lives. It has also made me appreciate my friends here in Korea even more than I already did. Every single one of them was amazing in their own way. Whether it be a simple message, a hug. a call or text everyday, forcing me out of my apartment, not asking questions about it, or letting me talk about it if need be, as well as letting me have a little cry if that's what I needed as well. I don't know what I would have done if I didn't have them all here to support me and help me through such a tough time.

I used to always joke that my mom has taken over my role while I'm in Korea. She has gone to my friend's baby showers, weddings, and bridal showers. I never thought I would have to call her to tell her I had a funeral I needed to be attending. I always said I'm too young for babies and marriage, but I know that I'm too young to be attending funerals for friends!! We never know when things or people will be taken from us, so tell the people in your life you love them, and make sure to live your life for you because we all deserve to do things that make us happy!